My phone just rang about an hour ago�I�m totally awake now. Can�t go back to sleep. I feel like hitting something�but at the same time I don�t even have the energy or motivation. When will I ever be able to be myself�without any cares about what everyone else thinks and trying to make everyone else happy. I want to vent�I want to say what bugs me or upsets me but it seems so trivial compared to what others have been through. I don�t want to be overly sensitive and girly�but Jesus sometimes I can�t help it. I mean�I�m a girl�I can�t act like I don�t care all the time. I can only pretend so much. I can�t hold everything in forever. It all builds up more and more and more until one day when I�m going to just freak out. �You had a cat?� I�ve only talked about the damn thing a million times�what�s the point�no one is ever really listening. I want to start over�get out of this state. I wonder if I could really do it? Just up and leave. Everything I know behind me�start all over again�find out who �me� is. I couldn�t do it�I would miss everyone way too much to just leave. I love you all. You are great friends. I can�t pretend that nothing bugs me forever�I can�t just let all the stupid little things add up until I�m so annoyed that I don�t even want to deal with people in general anymore. Fuck�being up at this hour is bad judgment�I have an exam tomorrow. I don�t have the motivation to do anything�get a job, care about school, make things work. This is the weirdest feeling I have ever had. It�s like I just feel nothing�nothing at all. What are people doing up at 4:43 in the morning. There are all kinds of car doors slamming outside. What�s going on? I guess people are going to work. I wonder if they like their jobs and what they are doing with their lives. There is a man that I see a lot around here and he�s always by himself�I�m pretty sure he lives in the building next door to mine. Tonight he came home with a carryout box from a restaurant. I started to wonder if he is all alone. I never see him with anyone else�I wonder if he is happy. He didn�t look very happy tonight and it made me sad. Of course it was raining and yucky so maybe that�s why he looked sad. For all I know he could have a wife and the best family in the world and be so happy but I just wonder, ya know. I hope he�s happy. I don�t even know the guy�but whatever. I�m rambling and starting to scare myself�hopefully I�m not freaking whoever reads this out too. I might sound a little crazy�but really I�m not. Just depressed. I�ll get over it though�hopefully tomorrow or the next day I�ll be feeling good again. Back to my old self�no worries�not letting anything bug me. Jesus today was depressing�The Lone Gunmen died, the news sucked: Layne Staley dead, a plane crashed in California, bombs going off in the Philippines (I think that�s where) killing innocent people. I don�t even really want to leave my apartment or talk to anyone or be around people. But I have to�exams later this afternoon. Fuck�I�ve gone on too long. Hopefully I will get some sleep tonight.

�Don�t think that I can fake another hollow smile�� �Rob Thomas, Matchbox 20, �Bed of Lies�